American relationship counselor, author and radio host
Gary Demonte Chapman (born January 10, 1938) is an American author, radio talk show host, and Baptist minister. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.
Bio from: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)
Native Name:
Gary Demonte Chapman
Alternative Names:
Gary D. Chapman
From Wikidata (CC0)
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In the area of linguistics, there are major language
groups: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese,
Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up
learning the language of our parents and siblings, which
becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn
additional languages but usually with much more effort.
These become our secondary languages. We speak and
understand best our native language. We feel most
comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a
secondary language, the more comfortable we become
conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and
encounter someone else who speaks only his or her
primary language, which is different from ours, our
communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing,
grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can
communicate, but it is awkward. Language differences are
part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate
effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language
of those with whom we wish to communicate.
In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love
language and the language of your spouse may be as
different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you
try to express love in English, if your spouse understands
only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each
other. My friend on the plane was speaking the language of
“Affirming Words” to his third wife when he said, “I told her
how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how
proud I was to be her husband.” He was speaking love, and
he was sincere, but she did not understand his language.
Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn’t
see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to
learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be
effective communicators of love.
"We are talking about love, and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Most of us do things each day that do not come "naturally" for us. For some of us, that is getting out of bed in the morning. We go against our feelings and get out of bed. Why? Because we believe there is something worthwhile to do that day. And normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having gotten up. Our actions preceded our emotions.
The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouses emotional needs, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does our emotions return, and our love tank begins to fill. p139"
The best way to love your children is to love their mother [father].” That’s true. The quality of your marriage greatly affects the way you relate to your children — and the way they receive love. If your marriage is healthy — both partners treating each other with kindness, respect, and integrity — you and your spouse will feel and act as partners in parenting.
"Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, "I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?" We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise."
Such immaturity will manifest itself in a lack of integrity. This lack will critically affect the child’s spiritual development; the less able a child is to deal with anger well, the more antagonistic will be his attitude toward authority, including the authority of God. A child’s immature handling of anger is a primary reason the child will reject the parent’s spiritual values.
Love doesn't keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn't bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.
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