American broadcaster, comedian, and actor (born 1967)
[On Dr. Phil] Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you something: if you don't wanna fuck him, chances are a lot of other girls don't wanna fuck him either; and that guy is gonna say whatever he needs to to make you happy. … He says crazy shit. He told this one man that masturbating is just as bad as cheating on his wife. I fucking shit you not! If I had a gun in my hand I woulda Elvis'd that TV.
Nature is everything, okay? We don't like to think that our society is nature, because we created it. But guess what? This is no different than a fucking beehive; it's just more complicated, 'cause people are smarter than bees. Cities are natural, that's why they're everywhere. … You know what's not natural? You … in the middle of the mountains … in the middle of the winter.
Limited Time Offer
Premium members can get their quote collection automatically imported into their Quotewise collections.
Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and…?" "Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The fuck are you doing?! The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!"
I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only fuckin' around. Think about the idea of confession … you take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!
[It's] 2006 and pot is still controversial. That's hilarious. Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the fuck is going on?! Isn't this Silicon Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?! I just wanna go up to everyone making cell phones and say, "Hey, that's small enough. Stop right there. Just keep them working." 72 inch TV? That's plenty big, dude. Just keep them working. No, you'll never get pot and you'll never get a jet pack. And you'll certainly never get the two of them at the same time. Civilization would fucking crumble. Be honest, would you work? 'Cuz I wouldn't work. Who the fuck is gonna show up for work at the mortgage company when you can smoke pot and fly?!
[About Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a fucking apology. That dude lacked vision."
I was at home the other day, high as giraffe pussy, watching the History Channel and they had this documentary on "In Search of Noah's Ark", and I went "Uhhhhh, how 'bout you go lookin' for the fuckin' Snuffleupagus while you're at it? I heard that dude's a-missin'! You really gonna go? Yeah? Hey, on the way back will you go to Whoville and get me some Green Eggs and Ham? You fucking gullible prick!" Don't get me wrong, if you're religious I'm not saying there's no god, I'm saying; people are full of shit, and that story sucks. Hello? Why do we have to believe it just because it's been around a long time and makes no fucking sense. You tell the story of Noah and the Ark to an eight year old retarded boy - he's gonna have some questions. It's just a bad story! Even if you're really good at telling stories, and you set him down; "Right, Bobby! Once upon a time, God was mad at all the people in the world! And instead of telling everybody what they were doing wrong and offering guidance, he decided to go ahead and drown everyone! And he only told one man - a random man named Noah. Just picked him out of a crowd, he wasn't a special man - in fact Noah was 600 years old and a drunk! Anyway, God told Noah to build a boat, and he and his family would be the only people to survive the flood. Because, apparently, all the people with their boats, their shit didn't work! Noah magically got two of each animal to come to him on foot, from all over the world! And they willingly boarded the boat and got in the cages, and they sailed away for forty days and forty nights and civilisation began anew!" Eight year old retarded boy's gonna be like "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhh, there's a lot of holes in that story! Let me sit down for a moment! First of all, how big is this fuckin' boat?! Didn't you tell me there were millions of animals? One guy built this boat, how long d'it take him? Where did he get all of the wooooooood? 600 years, he seem a little old for a fella to be taking on a project of this magnitude! [Grunting noises] The animals come on foot, isn't the earth 24,000 miles long? With three quarters covered with the water?! Wait a minute, what did the animals eat when they were on the boat for forty days, since since animals like to eat other animals! I'M NOT THAT RETARDED!" You motherfucker. "Four people come from Noah, Noah's a white guy, where did all the black people come from?!" I'm all in favour in believing that there's a purpose to life. I just want it to make a little sense, that's all.
We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius … who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?
Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about us. We're all just kinda wandering through this, going, "You know what you're doing?" "Yes." "Oh, I do, too. I know what I'm doing." "Okay. Good, then." But really no one has a fucking clue.