Jon Stewart Quotes

It's a brilliant metaphor. What I meant to say was, when you see a monkey masturbating at the zoo...

Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic.

May 3, 325: Rome built.

The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies.
Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.

The people who talk about anti-woke are the biggest fucking pussies you would ever find… I’m just so tired of it. The woke shit, you lose nothing. I’m a comedian — I’ve lost two words in 35 years. Honestly, are you that fucking unimaginative that you can’t figure it out?

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

They responded in five seconds. They did their jobs, with courage, grace... tenacity, humility... Eighteen years later? Do yours!

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened?

Stewart: [To Tucker Carlson] How old are you?
Carlson: Thirty-five.
Stewart: And you wear a bow tie. ... So this is theater. ... Now, listen, I'm not suggesting that you're not a smart guy, because those are not easy to tie. ... But the thing is that this—you're doing theater, when you should be doing debate, which would be great. ... It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery.

I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.

If there's anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

Hitler: Denial is a powerful thing... I always thought I could stop any time I wanted. "If I could just get Czechoslovakia, that'll be the end of it. I'll be happy then." And then I'd get it and think, well geez, Poland's just up the road a piece and... you know the rest.

If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance.

It's like hunting cows