Top 15 Jon Stewart Quotes

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

"If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?"

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American — our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.