Jon Stewart Quotes

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies.
Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

It's like hunting cows

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.