Judy Sheindlin Quotes

Consider yourself having been reasonably humiliated in front of ten million people. Now, without saying another word, turn around, and find the exit. Goodbye.

I mean, did you think I was just a fake person here, that they picked out of, you know, that they picked out of a supermarket? Didn't you think that I had any legal experience at all, sir?

to a young woman suing a former friend for a broken toilet: The toilet broke while she was using it - that doesn't mean that she broke it, and it doesn't mean that she's responsible for it! Toilets break - I had one just break in my apartment last week! Cost me $650 to put in a new toilet! You think I went around to try to find the last person who sat on it? [audience breaks into laughter] Don't be STUPID! GROW UP! That's all.

If I could fine you for stupid, I would fine you for stupid.

Judy: [to Byrd] Put him outside. Byrd: Put who outside? Judy: [points to defendant] Him. Byrd: Him? Judy: Him. Defendant: [muttering under his breath as he is escorted out of court] Oh, man. The story of my life. Judy: [to plaintiff] Mr. Britton's fifteen minutes of fame is over.

Defendant: ...I have a lot to be proud of. Judy: Like what? Defendant: I graduated high school. Judy: Oh, well! That's, like, the Eighth Wonder of the World; isn't it! Defendant: Yes; by our family's standards, that's a great accomplishment. Judy: Yeah, right; so is tying your own shoelaces, I'll bet.

(To a legal intern) Would you mind telling me who you blackmailed, bribed, or slept with to get that diploma? I'd like to mail them a sympathy card.

Don't be a wise guy in here, sir. There's only one wise person in here - and that's Byrd.

"Yep" is not an answer!

Judy: Listen to me very carefully, sir. I don't want you to give me the Dumb Routine. Do you know what I'm talking about? If you're dumb, I'll know you're dumb. If you give me the dumb routine, I know it's a dumb routine. Defendant: Yes, ma'am. Judy: I know the difference, Mr. Carey. Do you understand that? Defendant: [grinning] Yes, ma'am. Judy: Okay, very good. Now we understand each other, sir. Believe me, by the time this is over you're not gonna be smiling.

Did that sound like a rhetorical question? It wasn't. I want you to answer it, capisce? Now, THAT was a rhetorical question! See the difference?

to a defendant who claimed he was receiving Worker's Compensation for a bad knee: Well, what did you think you were going to do for UPS, deliver babies?

Why don't you SHUT UP and listen?!

Oh, sit down! You're as dumb as he is!

Let me explain something to you, Fresh Mouth: I'm the only one who makes jokes.