Ruth Rudner Quotes

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

The airline oxygen masks don't really help you. They're just there to muffle the screams.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all
respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?