Rita Rudner Quotes

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".

[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.