My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"