Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Jr., but I don't know George Bush Jr.'s politics. Only thing I know about George Bush Jr. is that that guy … - Dave Chappelle

Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit. Killed that man in Dallas. Five days, that man melted to death. What happened to the brother in Dallas? "Where was the secret serum?" is what we all said. I remember in the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors that got sick in Africa. They flew them in a private jet straight to Atlanta, to the CDC. I didn't even know CDC saw patients. There, it was said, they administered what The New York Times called "a secret serum." I don't know what's in it. It's just like Colonel Sanders' recipe. But both of these motherfuckers survived. These doctors, thank god, are healthy. They are out there somewhere tonight, at Whole Foods, touching vegetables, walking around. Everything's okay. "Hey, Frank. How are you?" "Oh you didn't hear? I had Ebola last week. But uh, I'm doing alright now. I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus, so I got concerned, but I'm okay." What happened to the brother in Dallas? They just rubbed some vicks on that nigga's chest. "Good luck, little buddy."

Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. ... Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on them magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. It's true. I see this shit in the magazines, I don't read them but I be seeing the cover, I'll be in the grocery store, fellas look at one of them magazines like, "What is this?" And it says on the cover: "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Get out of here, man, come on. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and that nigga gonna be happy!

Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "I'm up for runnin' up on them crackers in city hall."