Acid is my favorite drug, it opened my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit." - Mitch Hedberg

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.