Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle? - Jarod Kintz

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.

My acquaintances aren’t worth the aqua I drink after they leave me thirsting for something more meaningful. I don’t want refillable relationships — I want connections so deep they are black abysses.

There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.