When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.” - Mitch Hedberg

I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"

A guy told me he liked cherries... But... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato... Before I realized he likes cherries just... All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.