When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that … - Dane Cook

The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!

[To girlfriend about the "What would you do if" challenge] "What would you do if" I came out of your mother's bedroom, covered in blood, going "We gotta get outta here!"?