I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them. - Jarod Kintz

I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since I first met her. And being the best man doesn’t make me feel better.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke — tell different people.

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.