If there's one thing we haven't cracked yet in human civilsation, we've never been able to make a good wig. I wouldn't want a wig on me. - Karl Pilkington

You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes awww innit nice? There was some women in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about oh the baby's lovely. They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it.

"I've got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight." That's when you know an event's overstaffed.

On dopplegangers - How would I know which one I was?