My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back. - Jarod Kintz

I restrain myself from following orders — especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.