[When asked if he used to go onstage dressed as Jesus with a watercolour beard] - Noel Fielding

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

[When suggested he could have invented crisps] I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

I used to suck [Smarties] until they were all white, let them dry, and then put them back in the packet and show my mum the Smarties with no colour on them.