Noel Fielding Quotes

[When asked if he used to go onstage dressed as Jesus with a watercolour beard]

[When suggested he could have invented crisps] I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

I've always had my suspicions about moss.

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

[When asked if he sees the future with people wearing shirts with his face on it]

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

I think I should be in a [Disney animated] film called ‘Space Shrews’. Where I go to space. With a load of shrews. And nothing really happens. We just get out and have a lolly and then come back. But it’ll be a musical [...] the ship will be built out of my own hair.

[When asked if he would advocate stalking one's favourite comedian in the hope that one gets to form an award-winning double-act with them and become world famous]

I had a garter snake named Clayton.

In Edinburgh? I quite like the City Cafe. Because you never get served in there. And I like the idea that you can go in there for three hours and still not get your order. I think that’s quite funny. And then when you say ‘Can I have some food - I’m wasting away,’ they have the audacity to tut at you. When there’s only four of you in there. Fuckers. They should all be shot in the face. Sorry. I’m only joking. And I’m really tired.

I used to suck [Smarties] until they were all white, let them dry, and then put them back in the packet and show my mum the Smarties with no colour on them.

[When asked if he varies the animals in his comedy depending on where he performs]

[When asked if he could think of a cure for a dog who eats soil]

I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

[When asked if he has a favorite woodland creature]