It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love. - Jarod Kintz

I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it isn’t right and it pisses me off. I was backstabbed by myself.

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets underneath their space suits.

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!