My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!" (laughter) See, this is a smart crowd. Whenever I play for a dumb crowd, I say, "You got a lot of shit on your head!"

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.