For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you. - John Mulaney

When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.

The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.

If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.