I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie. - Jarod Kintz

My acquaintances aren’t worth the aqua I drink after they leave me thirsting for something more meaningful. I don’t want refillable relationships — I want connections so deep they are black abysses.

Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.

Some people grow vegetables by day, but I grow shadows by night. Right now my only customer is the US government, but the profit is unbelievable.