I don’t want to come off as arrogant here, but I’m the best botanist on the planet. - Andy Weir

I need to ask myself, 'What would an Apollo astronaut do?' He'd drink three whiskey sours, drive his Corvette to the launchpad, then fly to the moon in a command module smaller than my Rover. Man those guys were cool.

Venkat, tell the investigation committee they’ll have to do their witch hunt without me. And when they inevitably blame Commander Lewis, be advised I’ll publicly refute it. I’m sure the rest of the crew will do the same. Also, please tell them that each and every one of their mothers is a prostitute. — Watney PS: Their sisters, too.

As you can see, this plan provides many opportunities for me to die in a fiery explosion.