I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died. - Mitch Hedberg

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion!... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... At least. Snake eyes!" I just said "snake eyes." That's a gambling term. Or it's a animal term too.

I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishsticks in shit! That's, that's actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke, I always clarify that I'm just jokin'. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,’ just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.