Typing up a detailed news post at this moment would not further the goals of my great society. Stay tuned for ideological update. - Brian Clevinger

As you may have noticed, a hurricane didn't kill me yesterday. I will celebrate my continued life with some ice cream this afternoon.

(referring to a broken sign displayed at a fireworks stand)"It says FIRE ORKS. And the arrow on this particular sign points down a twisting dirt road that is quickly engulfed in a darkened forest. I really need to get around to vandalizing that sign. Maybe adding something like "This way lies doom" to the bottom."

(after describing all the negligent drivers he encountered that day)"So let's hope I was a quantum magnet for all bad luck on Earth and the rest of you are able to stay safe tonight as a result."