EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbor… - Ambrose Bierce

Mournfully and low the man of God began his eulogy of the dead, and his doleful voice, mingled with the sobbing that it was its purpose to stimulate and sustain, rose and fell, seemed to come and go, like the sound of a sullen sea.

Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.