Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it. - Jeff Foxworthy

My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!