In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat, and if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your p… - Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

You must realize that not all insomniacs are afflicted with the same blights, and what cures one man is another man’s poison. What about the bed you are floundering around in? Do you use a soft mattress, an orthopedic one, or do you sleep on the springs like the Hindus? Many physicians recommend sleeping on the floor if you arrive home late at night half crocked or, in medical terms, “with a bun on.” I, on the other hand, advise you to forget the doctors, and advise you to sleep on the floor when sober. It has many things to recommend it. To begin with, you eliminate the cost of a bed. The money saved here can then be used for getting drunk again. Moreover, if you sleep on the floor there is no danger of falling — unless you happen to be sleeping near an open manhole.

In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table.

“There goes George,” observed an onlooker. “When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad.”

“That’s the way-it-goes,” nodded Elly Kleinman. “Time wounds all heels.