God, you are a big, ghoulish woman. I'm talking to you, Carrot Top. - Greg Giraldo

What a night! A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster that's obsessed with jewelery. It's like The Lord of the Rings!

Hamilton, you're like tang. You're dry, orange, and no one has given a fuck about you since 1968.

Let's face it, our reading and writing skills in our country...every day there's a story in the paper about how shitty our schools are. They just keep getting worse, all the time. I read a book, it was filled with letters that soldiers in the Civil War had written to their girlfriends back home. These guys were kids. They were fourteen, fifteen-year old kids. Most of these guys had never even been to school, but every single letter in the book was incredible. Every single letter was like: (in southern accent) "My dearest Hannah, this morn finds me wrecked by the fiery pangs of your absence. I'll bear your cherished memory with me, as I battle the forces of tyranny and oppression." Now, think about what the typical letter from your average modern-day soldier, to his girlfriend back home in like, New Jersey's got to read like: (in New Jersey accent) "Dear Marie, it is hot as fuck out here. It is hard to fight these sand monkeys, wit your balls stuck to your legs. It is very, very hot out here because I am in the dessert. What else did I wanna aks you? Oh yeah: DON'T FUCK NOBODY TIL I GET BACK."