I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. - Mitch Hedberg

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: 'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... Bun.' How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street... It's a way to open shit!