I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there. - Mitch Hedberg

I did a movie with Peter Frampton. He's a musical genius, but I don't listen to his stuff. So I had to continuously try to draw attention away from the fact. "Hey Peter Frampton! Do you like toast too!? Yes, as do I, it is warm and crispy... and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay the fuck away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!"

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.

My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!".