My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce? - Jarod Kintz

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them to open up at 10. I’m never late, except in love.