Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!" - Sam Kinison

I didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal, there's bigger news stories happening. There's a guy in Milwaukee with heads in his icebox, but our top story is: Sam Kinison missed the Joan Rivers Show. It's like I'm the only guy in show business that's fucked up recently. There's a couple guys that, I think, have like outdone me a little bit. Like Rick fucking James, for starters. I missed a show, I didn't torture a woman with a fucking base pipe, I'm not out on $500,000 bail. I'm not Billy Preston, who's going "ah, donde esta la fiesta?" How about Axl Rose, who has a warrant out for his arrest in the state of Missouri for inciting a riot, $300,000 worth of damage, 60 people injured, and I MISSED A SHOW!

You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't LIVE in them, assholes!"

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"