Tucker Max Quotes

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom.

...and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

What are you looking for, McSeaBass? Its been the same menu for 40 years. Its all McShit. Just fucking order!

I try to make them understand it's not about getting pussy, it's about having fun. It's not about getting drunk, it's about being with your friends. It's not about dishing out put downs, it's about the thrill that comes with improving a witty line. It's not about being an asshole, it's about refusing to let others define your life. It's ultimately about being the person you want to be, and all the manic happiness that comes with that.

The Cousin: Hey Tucker, you know she's French, don't you?
Tucker: Oh hell no--You're French?
Girl: My parents are, but I was born here. I want to move to France after graduation.
Tucker: You fucking cheese-eating surrender monkey. I thought someone stunk around here. So if I start speaking German can I push you around and take all your stuff? Those hairy fucking stink-bags would be speaking Kraut right now if it wasn't for us, and they aren't the least bit appreciative. I hope they all fucking die, and your frog-sympathizing ass with them.

The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the "Uncle Tucker" bit. And I should get an award for choreography or something.

KJ: Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling.

Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused.

Every girl asked me, "What makes you god's gift to women?" Some answers:
13 inches. Who ever thought it could be too big?
I have 20 million dollars and terminal cancer.
I like to listen.
I'm a convicted sex offender.
Have you seen this face? Look at how hot I am!
I like to cut up hookers.
Bend over and I'll show you.

I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose.