Tucker Max Quotes

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

KJ: Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling.

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.'

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls!
Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom.

Tucker: Are you married?
Girl: Yes.
Tucker: How good is the marriage?
Girl: Very good.
Tucker: So there is no chance of us hooking up?
Girl: No.
Tucker: Well, do you have any hot friends who aren't fucking prudes? Hey--where are you going? I was only kidding! I respect the sanctity of the monogamous relationship! WHORE!

Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee?
Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation.
Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee?
[The man and his wife are silent and confused.]
Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

You see, I have fucked an amputee and a set of twins. If you add in a midget, you are looking at a legendary trifecta. How many other people can say they have done that? Seriously, raise your hand if you even know someone who has done that. Yeah, some of you have fucked midgets. Some of you have fucked amputees. Some have even fucked a set of twins. But how many can honestly say you have done all three categories? I'm not going to say that I'm the only guy on earth who has done this, but I would bet you could fit all of us into a Prius.

Tucker: WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?
Janitor: No, no se habla Ingles.
Tucker: WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?
Janitor: AYA, AYA!

I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.

A girl said this to me last night:
"You aren't at all what I expected. I thought you would be more suave and debonair."
That statement by itself isn't all that funny, until you put it into context:
She said it to me as we were laying in bed, having just fucked three times. That was two hours after I met her.

EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that..

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.