Sam Kinison Quotes

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring back our fuckin' FLAG, asshole! Show us some moon rocks, or kiss this.

Sam: We want to bring him out. Here he is, Mr. Doug Bady, ladies and gentlemen. Doug Bady, the littlest fucking Outlaw, here he is! Oh, he's drinking a beer. That's alright. I'm just not used to seeing one of Jerry's Kids with a fucking beer, but... Doug Bady, a man that loves Jerry Lewis, appreciates what Jerry has done. And Doug, Jerry Lewis, isn't he wonderful?
Doug: Fuck him!
Sam: Jesus Christ, man, what are you saying?
Doug: He's a piece of shit, he's never done anything for me.
Sam: You can't...you can't say this about Jerry Lewis in Las Vegas on the telethon weekend!
Doug: Why not? He's never done anything for me, thirty years he's been running the telethon!
Sam: What are you saying?
Doug: That son of a bitch! He hasn't done a goddamn thing for me! Sam: Jerry Lewis has never done a thing for you?
Doug: No! He's been doing this goddamn telethon for thirty years now, he's made, what, two or three billion dollars...
Sam: Who gave him the beer? WHO GAVE HIM THE BEER?!
Doug: ...I haven't seen dime one!
Sam: Get him out of here, he's fucking drunk! Get him out of here! He hates Jerry Lewis, never did a fucking thing...you little bitter BASTARD! YOU'RE BITTER! Take his ass off my stage! Fuckin' BEAT HIM, BEAT HIM!!! TAKE HIS CHAIR! BEAT HIS LITTLE BITTER FUCKING ASS!
Doug: Actually, what I meant to say was...I love Jerry. Great guy.

You'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK, you'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going, "you know, it doesn't get much better than this, doesn't it? President of the United States, dick in Marilyn Monroe, my finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS!

Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!"

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!

Jesus' Wife: "And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?" Jesus Christ: "It's okay, I'll tell you...Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A FUCKIN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO "WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!"

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: "OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".

[On the Kurds] They're the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!

[On Iraq] These have got to be the most stupid people on the planet. "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's have a war with the number one military power on the planet!" But we did have to face... their weapon of death. The Scud missile. If K-Mart were a weapon's dealer, they would make: the Scud missile. But it's kind of like a smart bomb. You just fire it out of the trunk of your car... and then turn on CNN to see where it landed! So it's kind of like a smart bomb!

[Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!"

Oh, god, where's the fuckin' bottle, you fuckin' whore?! DID HE FUCK YOU WITH THIS TOO?! Yes-- OH, SHUT UP!!! HE DID EVERYTHING TO YOU, OH, GOD!!!!

I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?

I didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal, there's bigger news stories happening. There's a guy in Milwaukee with heads in his icebox, but our top story is: Sam Kinison missed the Joan Rivers Show. It's like I'm the only guy in show business that's fucked up recently. There's a couple guys that, I think, have like outdone me a little bit. Like Rick fucking James, for starters. I missed a show, I didn't torture a woman with a fucking base pipe, I'm not out on $500,000 bail. I'm not Billy Preston, who's going "ah, donde esta la fiesta?" How about Axl Rose, who has a warrant out for his arrest in the state of Missouri for inciting a riot, $300,000 worth of damage, 60 people injured, and I MISSED A SHOW!

Here's my man! It doesn't have to stay out and party with his guys! Here, let me see that...It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?