If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit - W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

The story goes that a polite young lady journalist invited him to lunch at Chasen's in hope of a story. Lunch in his case was a liquid affair, and left him uncommunicative. Noticing the passion with which he shooed away the hovering waiter with the ice water jug, she seized an opening. "Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?" "Delighted, my dear," he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. "Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it."