I don't even know why people do crime. They want to catch you, they're gonna catch you. They can. They got forensics. You ever seen forensics? Those … - Dave Chappelle

Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Jr., but I don't know George Bush Jr.'s politics. Only thing I know about George Bush Jr. is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we cannot have that shit in the White House. That might be fine for a mayor, but goddammit, not in the White House! Not in the White House. Mmm-mm. Know what I'm saying? The stakes are too high in the white house. Can't have no cokehead president, mmm-mm. He'd be selling nuclear secrets for twenty, thirty dollars and shit.

Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the fucking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato. All because she called somebody an N-word thirty years before she had a show. I don't know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, "I'm gonna get you for this, bitch." That shit came back thirty years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship. And every black person was mad, but we weren't, like, that mad. It was more confusing than it was infuriating. I was just like, "well, how is this bitch gonna call me a nigger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That's not fair."

My oldest son ... let me tell you, this kid is only sixteen years old, listen to what he did to me. This motherfucker calls me up in the middle of the night, it was one o'clock in the morning. He goes, "Dad, don't be mad." I knew something was terribly wrong. I said, "What's going on?" He said, "Listen, I'm fine. And don't forget, you told me to do this. I'm at a party, and my designated driver had too much to drink. Me and my friends need you to come pick us up." I said, "Jesus Christ, it's one o'clock in the morning, nigga. I am shitfaced." But then I figured, fuck, it's better me than some kid. I might as well roll the dice and go pick my nigga up. I said, "Alright, I'm coming to get you. Just give me the address and I'll be right there." And then he gave me the address, and I was - I was shocked. I said, "Son, you are not gonna believe this, but I'm at the same party, nigga."