Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about. - Jarod Kintz

"When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.