They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. - Garrison Keillor

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free. The next man to the guillotine was a priest. They put his head on the block and pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. The blade didn’t come down. They thought it must have been divine intervention, so they let the priest go. The third man to the guillotine was an engineer. He waived his right to a blindfold, so they led him to the guillotine and put his head on the block. As he lay there, he said, “Hey, wait. I think I see your problem.

The funniest line in English is “Get it?” When you say that, everyone chortles.