I’ll wishy-wash your car. Maybe. - Jarod Kintz

The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up is during a commercial break to either go to the bathroom or grab more beer.

I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an allowance. But that’ll end soon. By age 30, in just a few months, they said it’d be time for me to earn a living. I guess that means they’ll want me to start mowing the lawn.

When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool.