Scottish Guy heckled... "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby! - Michael McIntyre

I take the shopping in, ladies and gentlemen... in one fucking go. [mimics weighing himself down with shopping] "Get the door! Get the door!" She's like, "Shoes off!"… "FUCK OFF!"

[Scottish accent] "We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"

My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble.