Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch. - Bill Engvall

Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas to see his grandparents. Ron is talking to the flight attendant.

[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.