The time is now 3:34. Damn! I’m late for 3:33. - Jarod Kintz

I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody.

Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to embrace you. But not being in love feels so much worse, possibly like being a tax collector. Actually, nothing compares to the lowliness of a tax collector.

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate — even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.