I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Proper home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. T… - Lee Evans

In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"

You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what they fucking said!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like, "Feels like a Tuesday. Does it feel like a Tuesday? Yeah, feels like a Tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does Tuesday feel? They're like, "It's half past five, but it only feels like twelve." Fucking hell, do these people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!