A. P. Herbert Quotes

Nobody's wrong but England – and England's always wrong,
Too late – or else too early – too soft – or else too strong.
And when for once the wide world begins to praise her name
Her own sons crowd and hurry to shout her back to shame.

"Was the cow crossed?"
"No, your worship, it was an open cow."

The race is run - the winner wears the laurels,
But you and I not empty go away;
For we have seen the least unkind of quarrels;
The young men glowing in the friendly way.
Let us be glad - but not because of winning,
Let us go home, to family today.
God make our Games a glorious beginning,
And hand in hand, together guide us on our way.

Bus driver, bus driver, the sirens have gone,
The bombs may come down, but the buses go on;
Bus driver, I know you won't think me a snob</br>If I whisper: "Bus driver, I don't want your job".

The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax,
But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax.

Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.

A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance.

The Farmer will never be happy again;
He carries his heart in his boots;
For either the rain is destroying his grain
Or the drought is destroying his roots.

For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.

Don't let's go to the dogs tonight,
For mother will be there.

How proud upon your quarterdeck you stand,
Conductor, Captain of the mighty bus!
Like some Columbus you survey the Strand,</br>A calm newcomer in a sea of fuss.

As my poor father used to say
In 1863,
Once people start on all this Art
Goodbye, moralitee!
And what my father used to say
Is good enough for me.

The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity
Are constructed with considerable care.

Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.