Art Buchwald Quotes

"Hunting Down the Secular Humanists" "...What makes them so dangerous is that Secular Humanists look just like you and me. Some of them could be your best friends without you knowing that they are Humanists. They could come into your house, play with your children, eat your food and even watch football with you on television, and you'd never know they have read Catcher in the Rye, Brave New World, and Huckleberry Finn....
No one is safe until Congress sets up an Anti-Secular Humanism Committee to get at the rot. Witnesses have to be called, and they have to name names."

No one has ever questioned the credentials of a critic who writes a rave notice.

Then the question is, are we worried about the wishes of the patient or about the money involved?

"This does not mean that when I had a syndicated column and became well known, he wasn't proud of what had been accomplished. He was simply unable to tell me. He told my sisters and he told his customers and he didn't hesitate to let on that we were related. But a wall from childhood separated us and he never could say "Well done."

Someone once told me that it was not unusual in a father-son relationship for the father to find it impossible to praise his son. I responded angrily, 'I don't care if it's usual or unusual, he could have said *something*."

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." … For me, being funny is the best revenge.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.