Denis Leary Quotes

God.. crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, ok? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go *snort* *splat* Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"

Somebody accidentally nudges their poodle off a 75th floor ledge. Boink. And he's headed for the ground at a hundred and seventy five thousand miles per hour "BARROOOOOOOO!!". And "KERCHUNK" he's embedded on your head. You're dead on contact. The headline on the post the next day reads "Man Killed By Best Friend." People cut the article out and laugh about it at the office. You are forever remembered as the Poodleman! "I knew the Poodleman and he hated fucking poodles."

Making a key decision now for our kids, it's religion decision time, you know...and I'm not bringing em up Catholic. I've made that decision. Boy, because I was raised Catholic, and NOO WAY! Uh-uh! Nope! Know what? I can't bring up my kids in a church whose authority system is entirely based on the size of fucking hats, okay? That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, cardinals have those little red beanies, the pope has a collection of big hats...God must have a huge fucking sombrero up there in heaven! "Look at me, I'm GOD! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be?" I don't know, lead singer of Los Lobos?

NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"!

That's a great story that people like to latch onto...Very quickly we got New York club owners saying, 'You guys are too alike,' while Bill and I were saying, 'What are they fucking talking about?' It's the same approach to the subject maybe, but it's not the same act...But as I've said many times, a fable is sometimes better than the truth.

...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!

"I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet! Alright?

Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!

Never hate someone you don't even know; at least, not over petty issues like race and sexuality and religion. There are much better reasons than that for hating people you do know.

I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!

And when it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapsed Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That's right, Father Leary. You walk in and say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." You know what I say? "That's fucking great! What did you do?" "I, um, thought impure thoughts many times this week- "Fuckin' excellent! What else?" "Uh, I jerked off like five times-" "That's FUCKING great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street to that store, steal two cases of beer and a pizza, and bring it back here,' OK? 'Cause we're gonna sit around the rectory and smoke and eat pizza and drink beer and watch TV, and if we see the pope on TV, we're gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, OK?"

I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends. Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall! As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the FUCK you want in my church! But if you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no fucking way, pal! You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fucking asshole. And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or [the virgin Mary appearing on] blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the virgin mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, and then she sets your dick on fire, OK? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every INCH of your shit, pal!

When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?