Garrison Keillor Quotes

It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.

The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don’t work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.

"I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don't see how he's going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He'd be the first."

Yes," says Jesus, "you never know about these things."

He and Grandpa are drinking cups of coffee and eating ginger snaps. Grandpa says, "When are you planning to return to earth?"

Soon as I finish this coffee," say Jesus. "Pretty good, isn't it."

Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.

Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want. — the people of Lake Woebegon

Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.

A good newspaper is never good enough, but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagance and love and art, and could even almost believe some of it myself on certain days after the sun went down if I’d had a snort or two and was in Los Angeles and it was February and I was twenty-four, but I find a truer account in the Herald-Star, where it says: “Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken with gravy and creamed peas”.

Demagogues thrive in dim light.

Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.