Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

I did swear a little bit in the beginning [of my stand-up career] and then I didn't like how easy it was. It felt like cheating, so I stopped.

[Stand-up comedy] is the ultimate democracy. The laugh is the vote.

I was the only guy, by the way, in the early '80s [who] was welcome on your show and Carson; usually, it was kind of-- that was-- there was a bit of a wall there. [...] If you were a Carson comic, you were probably not young enough or cool enough for Late Night. And vice-versa. But I for some reason was able to go back and forth, and I was always very proud of that, in the early days.

I am completely obsessed. And the audience wants that; they pay for that. I don’t want to see someone who’s kind of into it. ... That’s what I care about. That’s all I care about. I don’t care what you do — I just want to see people and talk to people and be around people who are into it.

I don't remember when I saw the testing results, but it's really one of everyone's favorite things about [Seinfeld], is how poorly it was received by the network people. [...] My favorite thing in the testing is that the show was considered "contemporary, unusual, humorous, and appealing to young adults: therefore, not something that we would want". (laughs)

If you want to be funny, you've got to have energy. Energy sells jokes. All sales requires energy, but stand-up is a hard sell. I'm sellin' you somethin' you don't even need!

That's one of-- a beautiful thing about having kids, is you reproduce people that you can relate to.

I still think everything has its life cycle and if you respect it, people enjoy it longer.

Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.

Working with the [Seinfeld] cast was pure heaven for me. We were as well suited to each other as it seems when you watch the show.

Bee Movie was definitely my favorite movie that I've starred in, because I've always wanted to be a bee. They seem to have the most organized society on earth, and they make honey! Which is a pretty amazing product.

Being engaged is-- you know what it's like to me? It's like being on the first part of the rollercoaster, where you're just goin' up: (makes ticking noises) "Boy, this looks pretty scary!"

I don't know if the average person would like [being famous]. I really like it. I think it might surprise them that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I think most people think of it as a problem, but it's all in how you look at it. But I do think that's the case, you get a lot more than it costs you in privacy invasion or whatever.

The truth ends every conversation.